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     Lately, I've been pretty angry ... hm, not even pretty angry, just ANGRY. So I thought, yeah, I shouldn't post because this passion is sheer anger. But then, of course, realizing how mad I've been and will be everytime I hear of a certain something got me thinking, what am I supposed to learn through this?

    I've been having constant thoughts of why? What's the purpose of all this? I want to know now! Help them now! Ugh! people.

    I've been praying constantly, Jesus help them through this, convict the hearts that need convicting, help us all to fear you, not man, show us your glory, reveal the truth...

Okay, okay, I'll be honest a lot of the prayers end with NOW!

I can just hear God saying, TRUST ME! X1,000,000

    Not saying there is anything wrong with my prayers, part of trusting him is praying to him, crying out to him, knowing it's Him who will answer these prayers. But he wants me to trust His timing and trust His way . And right now, I'm wanting him to work on my time, I can't even begin to understand his way! Those are the very things that are making me mad. Well they were…

    January 8th, I prayed for a miracle, Typically my prayers end with if it is your will. But that day, I said my prayer and as I was going to close saying, if it is your will, perform a miracle, instead, I said," no Jesus, I pray in faith expecting a miracle."

    That very next day, something we were all sure was going to happen, did not and I knew it was God, He gave me the miracle. And I said," thank you, thank you, thank you!" Everyone was grateful, we all knew it was an answered prayer, at the very least, but I knew and still know it was a miracle. But then the next day and everyday after, there is just one thing after the next, so discouraging that makes me think God where are you in this? How is this happening? The anger just stirs up.

And yeah, he reminds me," DID I NOT JUST GIVE YOU A MIRACLE?!"

    (Exodus 14:8-14)ESV And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued the people of Israel while the people of Israel were going out defiantly. The Egyptians pursued them, all Pharaoh's horses and chariots and his horsemen and his army, and overtook them encamped at the sea, by Pi-hahiroth, in front of Baal-Zephon. When Pharoah drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the LORD. They said to moses, "is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: 'Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians'? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in wilderness."And Moses said to the people." Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." (Exodus 14:30-31)ESV Thus the LORD saved Israel that day from the hand of the Egyptians, and Israel saw The Egyptians dead on the seashore. Israel saw the great power that the LORD used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the LORD, and they believed in the LORD and in his servant Moses.

    God after freeing them which itself was a miracle could have just let that been the end they were free and thankful for it.(why not end it there?) But no he hardened their hearts even more and sent them after the people of Israel, and that thankfulness went away they were mad, why would you do this? now we are going to die! (so me) they were wrong, though, they didn't die. God saved them he performed yet another miracle and saved them, he delivered them for good. And Everyone not just the Israelites, but even the Egyptians witnessed God's Glory!

    God can make things easy for us, He's 100 percent capable of that. We get mad but it's through the hard times that we can truly see his Glory.

    "Trust Me!,"He tells me this over and over again, because I can. He took me all the way to the beginning of the bible to show me how I can trust Him. The very God who can part the waters, is clearly capable of solving any problem I have. Focus on the miracles, remember his Promises, take peace in knowing that he is the God of truth, and love and He is in control.

God, thank you for all you have done and continue to do, help us to stand firm in our faith, to trust you always, to walk by faith and not by sight, and most importantly, Jesus show us your glory!. In Jesus name Amen.

"You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions"(James 4:3)ESV

    Guilty!!! About two or three sundays ago, my pastor told a story that he told a long time ago, and I couldn't help but laugh at myself because I remembered exactly what I did the night after he told it...First you need to know the story so here it is:

     He said when he got saved, one of the things he did was pray for his desires to be put to sleep, more in particular the desire to be in a relationship. His son also did this, and a week or two later he met the woman he is now married to, but when he first liked her, he said he felt guilty, because he had just said this prayer. So he told his dad/ my pastor remember how you told me what you prayed? well I prayed it too but now there is a girl... and my pastor told him well you didn't let me finish, I met your mom short after I said that prayer too!

    So remember high school me? The girl who really really really wanted a boyfriend, well yeah I thought I just heard the ticket to meeting the love of my life in a week or so. So of course, I went home and that night I prayed Jesus put to sleep my desires!...but as we all know,I'm positive it's been atleast a solid two years maybe more since I've said that prayer, and yup sure haven't met the love of my life let alone even have a boyfriend.

    Silly, desperate me, really thought I could trick Jesus. Because Lord knows that week any boy I met, I thought "he could be the one!" But nope Jesus knew my intentions when I said that prayer. He knew the reason why I said that prayer, He knew that my heart was saying Jesus give me a boyfriend in two weeks amen. And He said No!

    You see sometimes we can think "I tried the whole prayer thing, it didn't do me no good". But what exactly are you praying for ? what are your intentions when you pray?to get what you want and get it now? Sorry to break it to you, but God doesn't work like that He doesn't give you what you want when you want it. He gives you what is best and when the timing is perfect. Yes God says no, and wait, his answer is not always yes. And most importantly he knows your heart, when you pray he knows if you really mean what your praying or if you are really just saying "give me what I want amen." "would not God discover this? For he knows the secrets of the heart."(psalm 44:21)ESV

    Have you ever heard the verse "delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."(Psalm 37:4)ESV My favorite part is he will give you the desires of your heart, I occasionally tend to tune out the delight yourself in the LORD part, and then I think "Hello? Jesus you told me you'd give me the desires of my heart?!" But when we pray Jesus does hear us, and If it aligns with his will he will give it to us no doubt about it.

    If your answer is no, or wait don't lose hope keep the faith because I can promise you when the no comes from God later you will say thank you! When his answer is wait, you'll be so happy you did. So don't stop praying just because it seems like it's not working because God is always working in our lives and everything he does is for a reason and for what is best. Don't forget he sees the whole picture !

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."(Romans 12:12)ESV

     I've been listening to Lauren Daigle's new album Look Up Child on repeat for quite awhile now. And honestly this album just touches me so deeply, to the point where I feel like it was written just for me. So I decided I'm going to write on the song this album was named after. (originally i was going to do them all but that was turning into four pages,your welcome;))

Look Up Child

Where are You now

When darkness seems to win?

Where are You now

When the world is crumbling?

Oh I, I-I-I, I hear You say

Look up child, ayy

Look up child, ayy

...

This song is so powerful when you pay attention to the words. All of the songs in the album are but this one is without a doubt what everyone needs to hear. We live in a dark world,EVERYONE has their trials and sometimes in those trials we can't help but think "where is God in all this?" We get angry, we get discouraged, and what He says is look up child! This song reminds me of the quote look down and be depressed, look straight ahead and be stressed, look up and be blessed.

You see we need to remember that this world is not all there is, this world is not our home. We get depressed and stressed when we aren't looking up when we aren't remembering all God has promised us. We are asking where He is when He tells us He's right there with us, He's in control and works all for the good.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1)KJV

I also can't help but think of the story when Peter walks on the water ..."And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "come."So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"(Matthew 14:28-31)ESV I don't know about you but Peter is so me!... in the worst way. You see Jesus did not leave Peter, Peter took his eyes off Jesus and focused on everything else going on around him and began to sink. That is what we do all the time, we take our eyes off Jesus and put them on our school, our work,our family, friends... we get caught up in the storm and then we ask God where are you? When He is right there and He has been the whole time! LOOK UP CHILD!!

LISTEN TO LOOK UP CHILD HERE!

    "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7 ESV I HATE, HATE, HATE to admit it, but I struggle with anxiety. What I hate most about it, is that, I know it's all in my head, I'm aware that I'm pretty much choosing to struggle with it, and what I hate about it, most of all, is that it doesn't come from God.

    So how is it that me, a child of God, is struggling with anxiety??? Geese this question alone gives me anxiety, it leads me down a dangerous path of questions, and doubt in the one thing that all my Joy and security comes from, in the one thing that takes away all my fears, Which is God and my relationship with him.

     But then, I know that's all from the devil and why does he feel the need to put these thoughts in my head whenever he can? And the answer is, he does it because I am a child of God and so he's working over time to change that (! spoiler alert! he can't). And since God shows me this, I have to ask a different question.

    Why am I struggling with anxiety? Hmm...let me think for a moment of what exactly gives me anxiety. UM... Tomorrow, this weekend, next week, just about a little bit of everything....My day to day really. Mostly for me it's a form of social anxiety, anything that involves people who I'm not really comfortable with sometimes even those who I am comfortable with I just get really nervous and think very illogically. I don't say Hi first because I'm scared they won't say it back, I don't want to smile at people because if they don't smile back I'll take it personally, If I sit in the front row of class I feel like everyone is staring at me so I can't focus, I'm scared to talk because I think they'll just think I'm dumb or annoying. I get anxiety about wherever I have to go that involves more than one person because what if? What if? What if?

    So I just really need to stop this whole "I" thing. And start thinking more about God, The maker of heaven and earth, the God who created you and, would you look at that, the God who created ME too! This God who created Me in his image, to be exact,, who sent down his son to die for me, Who never fails,Is the same today tomorrow and for all eternity, and loves me more than I can ever imagine, He holds all of my tomorrows.

    So how, on earth, can I possibly worry? to be honest, after typing that, I don't know how and I no longer am."You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3 NKJV

Prayer: Thank you, Jesus, thank you for taking all my cares away, even as I type, thank you Jesus for always showing me the truth, not letting me get caught up in the lies that result in anxiety and for freeing me of these things. For giving me the peace, that when it comes back, you will once again knock it down because you are my deliverer and with you I will always, always be victorious! In Jesus name, AMEN<3

    "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgement you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,' Let me take the speck out of your eye,'when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye." (Matthew 7:1-5)ESV

    I'll be honest sometimes I just get caught up and I can be JUDGY! I just can't believe some of the things people say and do... but that's not my job, it isn't my job nor is it my place to judge anybody.

    I went through a time where even my prayers were a little judgy. They'd go along the lines of "Jesus, what so and so is doing is so wrong, show them that it's wrong," "Jesus, I can't believe the way they are acting, please help them" and so on and so on. Constantly praying for others to be better, to do what God wants them to do, but what about me?...

    I'm no angel, I'm not doing what God wants me to do 24/7. After a handful of judgy prayers we know that to be true lol. Seriously though, when I was praying for everyone in this manner, I had this feeling of "what about you?" And then my prayers switched, "Jesus, help me, help me to be an example to others, let me stop worrying about what they are doing and work on what I'm doing, help me to lead by example not by judgy words.Amen"

    One of my bible studies had to do with this, it talked about how, as christians, we need to be a light to EVERYONE! In particular, it touched on non-believers and how sometimes we as believers either separate ourselves from them or judge them according to what we believe. Both of those are wrong. We are called to be a light and not just to fellow christians, we are called to be a light to all, especially non-believers. We are to be amongst them and show love, kindness, joy, peace,and a life that lines up with God's word. We aren't supposed to go out and judge them, condemn them, and tell them everything they are doing wrong...why? Because we can't expect a non-believer to live the same life as a believer. That's like expecting one kids whose curfew is 8 and the others whose is 10 to both be home at 8! Instead the one with the curfew at 10 should see the other one with a curfew at 8 the next day, and see how much more well rested they are and choose to come home at that time.(just the first example I thought of, DON'T JUDGE!)

    So I'm learning to be an example, I'm learning to be a light. Because if we really want to lead others a certain way, we need to be walking that same way first. I'm done worrying about what everyone else is doing. All I have control of is me and what I do, and I want what I do to lead others to Christ. "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your father who is in heaven"(Matthew 5:16)ESV

09/13/2018

Get over yourself!

     "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6)NKJV I've never been the loudest person in the room. I've never been one to have all eyes on me or attract attention. I'm the person who you say "she was there?" "Who's that?". I get "nice to meet you" from the same person more times than once(ouch)... This used to hurt my feelings a lot and sometimes it still does, but for the most part, now, I've just accepted it. Just the other day, I had a "the girl with the glasses" and "who's Marissa?" Kinda day, and I let it get to me. I knew both those girls names so idk, I just expected them to know mine, so yeah, it hurt my feelings.

    I got in my car, started thinking, "this sucks, why can't I just be a memorable person? Why can't I just be someone people want to get to know? Why am I so invisible?" And then I thought deeper, I realized I was asking all these questions to God. So then, I started telling him "well you see me, you call me by name, I have all your attention always, and that's enough"

    So why do I care so much?...why? Because when people pay me no attention, don't care to remember my name, it doesn't just hurt my feelings it hurts my ego.

    Uh oh, I have an ego! And God pointed that out to me right after I was asking why? Why do I always have to be asked "what's your name again?" Why? And he said "to humble you" and then I was like "I AM!!!"...Lol but then right away, when I stopped lying to myself, I was like okay, I guess that makes sense. My feelings are only hurt because my ego's hurt, and it's only hurt because, clearly, I think I'm too important to go unnoticed, and unknown. And oh my, if everyone knew my name, and wanted to be my friend... yeah, I'd have the biggest ego ever!

    So then I started thanking God, "Thank you, Jesus, that I go unnoticed, thank you, because it not only teaches me that the recognition of man doesn't matter, but it also teaches me to be humble because I don't need everyone's attention for my own glory. I don't need to be seen, only you need to be seen and the only one who deserves glory is you!" "Clothe yourself with humility" (1 peter 5:5) NKJV

     "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you."(Isaiah 43:2) Okay, I'm going to get pretty deep here so bare with me. Do you ever have those days, weeks, even months, where you just feel low? You just feel anxious,worried, insecure, lonely, and unsure? I sure have, and all those feelings brought me to questioning my faith... As a believer in Christ, I would think to myself "how could I feel and think these ways if I have you Jesus?" These endless thoughts of just not liking myself, to the point, where I only wanted to go out if I had too.

    I had let my insecurities get the best of me, some days, I just didn't feel like going to school because I didn't feel like getting dressed. I didn't feel like going to church because I just didn't like the way I looked. I didn't want to go to work because then I have to socialize and that made me anxious... I didn't even want to get dressed to go shopping, and if you know me that's,"Woah!"

    All this brought me to a dark place inside, because I was just focusing so much on me, and how I felt. And how can someone who has Jesus feel this way? I'm not allowed to feel this way? And since I am feeling this way, Does this mean I'm not saved? The devil was working overtime on me, he did his best to feed me these lies and I was believing it, I was questioning my faith like never before. I'd be up late just praying asking over and over for forgiveness, for help, and for Faith.

    Then came my trip to Israel...specifically, the boat ride on the Sea of Galilee . "'follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead' and when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold there arose a great big storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep, and they went and woke him saying, 'save us, Lord; we are perishing' And he said to them, 'why are you afraid, o you of little faith?' Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled saying,'what sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?'"(Matthew 8: 22-27) ESV

    Pastor Dan from washington taught on this piece of scripture and pointed out exactly what I needed pointed out. Do you notice that they followed Jesus onto the boat he called them onto...and yet they still went through a storm? WHAT?! They went exactly where Jesus wanted them and still were put through a storm?! They were scared and worried, while Jesus was Sleeping! Because he knew there was nothing to worry about, I mean he's JESUS. Eventually through all that fear they woke him and cried for help, and he calmed the storm completely.

    You see, when I was going through this storm, I had thought it's because I had to have stepped away from Jesus, I had to have gotten on the wrong boat. But that wasn't the case, I was following him and this storm came along as a test for me, when was I going to wake him up and cry for help!

    Although I had fallen for the lie, that I had stepped away, it didn't make me pull away from him in shame, It made me run to him even more for help, and I see that now, I wanted him even more than ever, and when I thought I had no faith because I felt that way, It only made my faith stronger because it was always only God who I cried out too.

    So yes there will be storms in your life whether you follow God or not, but take heart because God is with you through it all. We all have our storms, and they are all different. Some people get bigger waves but the solution is always the same, cry out to him, trust in him, and cling to his word and in the end you will come out of that storm with more faith than ever before!... you know to prepare you for the next one! ;)

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)ESV

08/19/2018

It's Actually Happening...

    "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)ESV One of my future plans are actually, highly likely, about to come true...August 4, 2018, I am no longer on the waitlist for the esthetician program at Citrus, but granted permission to register for the class! When I got the email, my initial reaction was, Oh cool, no way!, wait... woah I really got to go back to school?! I told my mom "I got into the class, so now I just got to register and I'm all in!" Immediately I realize I'm excited, because this is what I want, and thank God he's giving it to me now because if I didn't get in, Well then, what in America am I going to do for the next year of my life?! My other half is, Oh my, it's really happening, I'm actually going to have to do this, and I have to do this now!

    Something about myself is that I like to make plans, but right when they are actually about to happen, I change my mind and come up with other plans. I don't know exactly why I do this, it could either be just because, I truly am open to anything or that I'm scared. I'm scared to fail, I'm scared to actually try for it and then not get it. Now that I'm in the program, and there is no going back, because they got my money , so August 27th, I'll be there! The nervousness, the worries, but still excitement are all coming to me. What are my worries? Will I find my class okay? Where should I sit? Will I make any friends? Will I even be good at this? What if I can't get it? What if I FAIL? Those are some of the things I'm already thinking, and the class hasn’t even started. And while I was on the waitlist, they didn't even cross my mind. What did? Please God, let me get in so that I don't have to not know what to do for a year, I'm bound to make more friends in a program like this!, I hope I get in now because I'm so excited to learn about all this! Absolutely no fearful thoughts came to my mind while on that waitlist, except to not get in but now I'm in and now what? I developed fears, but I'm happy, that this time, I'm not letting fear change my plans. Yes, the possibility of failure is there but you know what, as long as I give it my best, I'm sure, I won't fail and you know what? If I do, it will all be because, for some reason, that I don't know and won't understand, that God allowed me to fail because he has something to teach me, or something better for me.

    As for now though, I'm going to be on the side where God wants me to pass,and,so now, I'm soooooo excited and can't wait to give my whole family facials! "For we walk by faith, not by sight!"(2 Corinthians 5:7)ESV

08/13/2018

Choose Today!

    "Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the river and in egypt, and serve the Lord. And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your father served in the region beyond the river, or the gods of the amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."(Joshua 24:14-15) ESV So I went to Community Christian College, all the professors were Christians and to my liking they were very, very gracious. My first year I was on it, I turned everything in on time, yes, I did procrastinate but that doesn't matter because I turned the work in on time anyways! Come my second year, I was just soooo over it, I took all my classes online and I started to procrastinate past the due date, and once I noticed that turning it in late only deducted a little bit of points or none at all because of all that GRACE, I took advantage like crazy. I ended up turning in things three weeks late or just the day before the class was over because now it was just like, as long as they are turned in before the final deadline, I'm fine! So yup, I graduated, thanks to all that GRACE!!!

    But what if I didn't know the deadline to submit all the assignments? Some of us have a tendency to take advantage of Grace, in particular, we tend to take advantage of God's Grace. The difference of this is we don't know the day. the minute or the hour he's coming. Taking advantage of God's Grace is a scary game, I personally choose not to play"But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only." (Matthew 24:36) ESV. That's why you need to choose today whom you serve. I'll be honest middle school and highschool spiritually were really rough for me, I longed to fit in. For those reasons, I'm not proud of everything I've done especially middle school, I said bad words randomly because everyone else did it,even though, I knew it was wrong and felt terrible for it, I listened to terrible music, had the worst little attitude and so often I laughed at jokes that I shouldn't have. But I did these things anyways because I wanted to fit in now and I knew God would forgive me later. I remember always telling myself, "when I graduate, I can really follow God completely because it will just be easier then, I don't have to worry about what all these people will think of me and it's okay if I don't have any friends after high school." You see in highschool my relationship with God got a lot stronger and it affected my actions, I stopped saying bad words completely, I stopped listening to bad music, worked on my attitude and I was more cautious at what I laughed at but I knew he wanted so much more from me than to just not do those things, he wanted me to stand out as a light, he wanted me to share his love, to be proud of my faith but I failed in that department,only my closest friends knew I was a Christian, the rest prob just thought I was a prude. Thankfully for me Jesus didn't come during middle or high school when a piece of my heart was still clinging to this world. After high school, I realized,nope, there is still pressure to fit in even when your going to Community Christian College because OMG! Did you know you have to make friends at work too?! But since I realized that the pressure to fit in will never go away, I stuck to my following Him completely now anyways, because tomorrow is not going to be any easier. I'm so thankful, I choose today who I serve because now I don't even have that desire to be like everyone else, I have a desire to be like Christ. Yes, it's hard because making friends is hard when you can't just get to know them at that party later, and sing to the same songs but I promise you, it's worth it. because you know your on the right path and the fact that Jesus is coming, any minute, any second, any hour, any day won't be a scary thought but a joyous one!"For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36)ESV.You too can choose today and everyday forward whom you serve... "Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved." (Romans 10: 9-10) ESV.

08/07/2018

The Single Struggle

    I had my first crush in the sixth grade and thus begun all my problems(kidding lol). Okay, so yes my first crush was in the sixth grade, but my best friends, at the time, majority of them at least already had a boyfriend,by then. So of course, I thought it was time for me to have one too. That didn't happen though because my crush just wasn't crushing back, we barely even talked. Come seventh and eighth grade I still "loved" the dude and he found out, because of my friends. So he started talking to me a little more and gave me hugs when He said Hi ,but then I killed it! I did the most embarrassing thing and then started to avoid him because I was still embarrassed(tbh I still am). Well anyways, middle school was finishing up, I had other crushes but that's about it. And of course, it felt like everyone on earth has had at least one boyfriend by now, so I thought to myself "okay, forsure my freshman year someone will like me."Lol I probably only had about three guy friends that year, if that. So yeah freshman year went by, still no boyfriend so I lost hope. I was no Gabriella and there was no Troy for me, So hopeless me gave up on sophomore and junior year and just said "Okay senior year is definitely going to be my year, like I can't pass my senior year having never had a boyfriend." ...well like I totally did, senior year came and not only did I not have a boyfriend, YOUR GIRL, never even got a date to homecoming or prom. Soooo not what I expected, I thought I was guaranteed a boyfriend, or at least a date to a dance. Like what's so wrong with me, I couldn't even get a date to a dance?

     There lies the problem, because I never had a boyfriend and it felt like everyone else on earth did. From a very young age (when honestly elementary school no one should be having a boyfriend or girlfriend) I thought it was because there was something wrong with me. I started comparing myself to the girls who did have boyfriends, and of course I thought, oh well ,they are prettier than me, cooler than me, and you know just everything better than me. So I looked to having a boyfriend as something that could boost my confidence, boost my self worth, because you know, if I have a boyfriend that means I'm pretty, that means I'm cool, that means I'm special, that means I'm loved. That's so wrong! I wanted a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons, just because everyone else has one is not a good reason and looking to a boy for your worth is even worse.

     It took me a while to learn this, In fact, it's fairly new to me, God had to show me by giving me what I thought I wanted, at least, to an extent. I went on my first ever date with a boy last year. He was cute, he was a christian, and my friends would say he was "just my type". Dating this boy didn't last long though because dating this boy didn't take away all my insecurities.(Also, just because a boy is cute nice and just your type doesn't mean he's the one for you.) I still just didn't feel confident, pretty, special, etc... And the reason is because it's no guys job to do that for you, he can build you up but he can't be your foundation of your worth.

    I had to learn that God is who I need to look to for my self-worth, and He tells me I'm worth far more than rubies.SHOOT! He tells me I was made in His image! God tells me I"m beautiful "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you."song of songs 4:7, And most importantly, He tells me time and time again, I am loved! "We love because he first loved us."" 1 John 4:19. In Christ I am complete! Now that I know this, and I believe this, I don't have a time set that I feel like, "Well, I better have a boyfriend before this age!" No, now I'm just working on myself by working on my walk with the Lord, trying to be a more Godly woman, so that I can be a good girlfriend/fiance/wife to whoever ends up being my boyfriend/fiance/husband because although, I no longer have a date set for when I meet the love of my life lol I do have confidence in knowing that eventually I will have one."Delight yourself also in the LORD, And he shall give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 For these reasons, I'm not gonna settle and take the first guy who knocks on my door. I'm waiting for the right guy who will love me perfectly because he loves the Lord more than anything else, and will make me a better woman for that. As a wise person once said "TRUST! don't compromise."

06/30/2018

Got plans?

    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."(Jeremiah 29:11)ESV. I don't know about you, but I am always making plans and they are always, always changing. From my day to day plans, to my ten years from now plans. Tomorrow i'm sure I will come up with something new I want to do with my life. Honestly, though I think there is beauty in not knowing what tomorrow holds and there is true peace in knowing that God holds all of your tomorrows.

    Until about high school, I didnt think past what I was going to eat for dinner? But...come highschool I had to start thinking what college am I going to go to? Which comes along with knowing the answer to, what do you want to be? and I thought to myself, "okay, i'll forsure go to a four year and probably just be an Anesthesiologist" LOL idk who I thought I was fooling with that plan, I can barely spell it! apparently though I fooled myself with that plan until the summer of my junior year because that's when you have to think a little deeper about it. After some thought, I decided I wanted to go to F.I.D.M and become a stylist, so I got a tour of the school, talked to the counselor, and practically got accepted as long as I just kept up my GPA and completed the entrance project...I was excited. About a week into senior year I thought about it and how it was just sooo expensive and if i'm being honest, I really didnt feel like doing the entrance project.So I realized that is not the path I want to take and Got to thinking and praying about it because I felt like I had to know. Then one random day somewhere in my head I decided, I'm not going to a four year, I'm not even going to go to college, I want to be a flight attendant! so I told my mom she just said okay not thinking I meant a word I said, and the next day I went to my counselor and dropped some classes because I wasnt trying to have an impressive application, I just wanted to graduate now... So I did it I graduated from Montclair High School 2016. Flash forward to now, I just graduated from Community Christian College with an Associate in Liberal Arts(so not a part of my plans) and now I'm on a waitist to get into an esthetician class, WHAT IN AMERICA?! what happened to my plans? They are all pretty new other than I still plan on being a flight attendant + some other things. As for my future, I'm open to whatever God has planned for me, I don't worry about it no more, because as long as all my plans revolve around God, I expect nothing short of the Best!"Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fullfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord."(Luke 1:45)ESV.

07/02/2018

Kind Words are Like Honey...

    "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones"(Proverbs 16:24)NKJV Everyone likes to be told something nice or to be around people they consider to be kind, pleasant. No doubt everyone likes a kind person...but how often are we ourselves kind?

    Personally, I wouldn't say I'm a mean person in any means, but I also wouldn't say I'm the kindest. What I categorize as kind is a person who is friendly and considerate to everyone. I have always appreciated that rare stranger who goes out of their way to either smile at me, or say "Good Morning." But, I do neither, I will always say it back ,but I rarely if ever will say it first. For me, it's a shy thing that's why, but so often my shyness comes off as me being rude or stuck up. IDK maybe its just my face looks a little mean, so that's why people take it that way as opposed to oh she's just shy. Anyways though, although I dont mean to, I do come off that way and that's the problem. I'm a Christian and I shouldn't come off that way because it can turn people off from Christ, and that is the last thing I want to do. So that's why I am no longer accepting the characteristics of being shy. I'm accepting the characteristics of Christ, which doesn't include being shy. When I'm shy it comes from fear of some illogical reason I made up in my head, this doesn't come from God. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."(2 Timothy 1:7)NKJV. What that does for me is it no longer allows me to use my being shy as an excuse to get away with not sharing the Love of Christ! So as I continue to grow in my walk I will be less and less like myself and more like Christ(characteristics wise of course)."He must increase, but I must decrease."(John 3:30)NKJV

07/17/2018

Even the "Good" need God!

    "As it is written: There is none righteous, no, not one; there is none who understands; there is none who seeks after God. They have all turned aside; they have together become unprofitable; there is none who does good, no, not one"(Romans 3:10-12)NKJV

    I was raised in the church, I've been going all my life. My mom and dad taught me the ways of the Lord,taught me the Ten Commandments, told me the "stories", and taught me to pray. I've always believed in God, I never questioned it but still I took having a childlike faith too literally for too long! I got the word of God fed to me through my parents and pastor. And I was content with that because I was "good" but you know what? That was a lie from the devil,he liked me where I was because it kept me from relying on God for my salvation, I was feeding off my parents, I called there faith mine, which it doesn't work that way. I was led to believe I was good because I don't do what everyone else does, I obey my parents, I pray, I go to church, I'm going to heaven! Oh how I believed my lies for far too long, none of those are the ticket to heaven! It is by God's grace and the blood of Christ that I will ever enter the kingdom of God! "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life."John 3:16 NKJV " For by Grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God." Ephesians 2:8 NKJV. I heard these verses over and over again, yet I still let myself think that good deeds will get me to heaven, and It wasn't till my middle/late freshman year that I finally stopped believing the lies, I realized, "Wow, I'm no good", because you know what I stopped comparing myself to this world and started comparing myself to Jesus. I realized I needed his grace as much as the next person. I realized the only reason why I didn't do what my friends/ peers did; drink, do drugs, ditch and swear was not because of my own goodness but because of God he was the reason for my not doing bad things, it wasn't my own moral standards that made me not do these things. When I show love, respect, kindness, patience etc...it's not from my own heart and natural goodness but it comes from Christ who is in me!